I’ve been a blogger for a good few years now, I don’t know exactly how it started, before I became a blogger, I thought it was a ridiculous waste of time, I didn’t know why anybody would want to read my ramblings or why I would want to make reference to a fleeting thought in the future. I never kept a diary as a teen, purely for the same reasons… Looking back now, that was a big mistake, my blog continues to prove popular and heaven knows how my readers would act to a puberty struck, love lorn disabled girl who’s trying to work out who the hell she is.
These days as a young woman, I use blogging as a form of therapy, I suppose in a world were sometimes it can be hard for me, even as gobby as I am, to make people take me seriously. Blogging allows me to tell you how I’m feeling without interruption or deviation, and lets me get whatever it is that’s bothering me off my chest. My Blog doesn’t mind me having an off day, I don’t have to fake a smile when things are hard. I’m honest, sometimes too honest.
My blogs aren’t meant to be an educational feature in your life. I don’t write fact, I state opinion, my opinion, and sometimes the masses believe I am wrong other times the comments of support are overwhelming, it’s a comfort to know that someone, somewhere is listening. I don’t want to change your life, just talk about mine.
I wouldn’t say I am an ambassador for disability, I hate it. Really most of my blogs are about it but doesn’t mean it defines me. I have never suffered from writers block because I don’t have to think about what I’m saying when I blog.
That was until this week, when the ability to write concisely and coherently left me.
It wasn’t for a blog, it was for a document relating to my job, I had to, in the first instance recount how my Work place is focussed on providing Disabled People in the community with training and work opportunities. This wasn’t a problem, and I confidently set out with my well rehearsed shpeel
Then came the why we do it bit. Why do we do what we do? This was trickier than the first bit. I didn’t want to make it sound like I was a sad case, that this job was given to me through pity or that my other disabled colleagues were employed through pity. We are not. I know this, but everything I said, drafted, typed out sounded like the opening piece to camera for Children in Need.
I don’t want anybody thinking that a disabled girl who doesn’t make any sense has written this, I want them to think the girl who has written this is full of drive and passion and doesn’t feel an ounce of patronizing sympathy for the fellow work force.
And then there was my testimonial, how have I grown as a person since taking the job on, what has my sole input done to improve the business and what has this employment done for me personally. By now the writers block had gotten a strangle hold and was starving my brain of any inspiring thought.
As a result, what kept being written and deleted was a load of nonsensical horse shit, like a deeply love sick girl, who is faced with a break up from her one true love, saying anything, writing anything that would be convincing enough to make you believe it was all going to be fine.
I was frustrated, It never happens when I blog, and that compared to this, was unimportant drivel, If I stopped blogging tomorrow, you wouldn’t miss it. Or if you would you’d soon get over it, but this, this was important. So why was it so hard to find the words?
Maybe it’s because I’m to be the ‘face’ of my work and the poster girl for all our objectives. The words that I write are something that I will be judged on, they’re goig to read that before they meet me, and if there is one inkling that I feel sorry for myself or the way my life has panned out, it some how gives clients, suppliers and customers the approval to feel sorry for me too.
For me, my work is a constant hurdle for me to aim at shooting over, I need to prove to everyone that I haven’t been employed through pit but because I am bloody good at what I do, with or without the chair.
I crumbled under the pressure, never have my words been so important and I felt like I was failing.
Maybe I should have just directed them to my blog!